Dead Or Alive Paradise: It's Not Porn. Really.

Amy Nelson, Associate Writer

Published February 28, 2010

I'm no expert, but I'm guessing that if you have to tell people your game is not porn, there's a pretty good chance that it is, in fact, porn. But don't worry, Dead or Alive Paradise is not offensive or objectifying to women at all. How do I know? Director Yoshinori Ueda says so, and what would he possibly have to gain by lying? According to Ueda, "We're certainly not trying to degrade women. They have beautiful bodies. We're trying to show off the beauty of their bodies but we're not trying to be degrading about it—we're trying to show that they are beautiful characters." He is all about respecting women and their inherent beauty, and really, what woman would not benefit from losing the chains of clothing confinement?

Of course, I wasn't going to just take some video game director's word on the porn status of Dead Or Alive Paradise. This sort of thing requires personal study and unbiased observation, so I corralled my husband into watching the trailer with me to give a male perspective on the matter. He was quite willing to help, and even suggested we watch the trailer several times to make sure we "didn't miss anything." Study the trailer we did, and in fact he even paused it a few times to rewind and watch parts in slow motion. After an extended period of study, my husband asserted that, in his opinion, this was not porn at all, and is in fact quite respectful to women in bikinis everywhere. He's such a helpful guy, and I think he's right. Short, tall, fat, thin, young, old—all women should free themselves from the bonds of conventional clothing and share their beauty with the world. I submit that this game is anything but just a game: it is a way of life. Finally, women can show the world who they really are. The male establishment has been oppressing us with their demands that we "wear clothing in public." Just think what a beautiful place the world would be if we all wore thongs? Don't just sit there—join the revolution! Run, don't walk, to Frederick's of Hollywood, men, and buy some thongs. Start with your wife, sure, but don't stop there. Gramma's birthday is coming up, and you haven't gotten Aunt Maureen anything for her baby shower. (Pregnant women are beautiful too—your local maternity store has thongs in all sizes and colors!)

Now, some of you might be asking yourself a question after watching this trailer. The rest of you (mostly those of the male persuasion) may have lapsed into a trance from the prevalence of butt shots and find coherent thought difficult just now (stop drooling, you'll ruin your keyboard!). When I finished watching the trailer and praising the fine people at Dead Or Alive Paradise for not degrading women at all, I asked myself "Dude, where's the game?" What exactly are all these highly respected women in butt floss doing on this island? What is their goal to achieve, their levels to solve, their reason for existing? I have no clue, and neither will you after watching the trailer. But I think we need to look at the bigger picture here—these people are trying to start a social movement, trying to free women from the oppression of clothing. Do they really need to cram actual gameplay in there too? When it is ever going to enough for you people?!?

Now, not everyone has embraced the message that liberally dosing a tropical island with scantily dressed voluptuous women who bend over slowly at regular intervals is not degrading to women. The oppressors at ESRB actually described the game as "creepy voyeurism," "cheesy," and containing "bizarre, misguided notions of what women really want." This statement has since been recanted due to it containing "subjective language," but the "M" rating given to the game stands. Obviously those ratings people just don't get it. But you can get it—the game, that is. You can pick up Dead Or Alive Paradise for PSP in March. For research purposes, of course.