Evolution of a Gamer 10: Kids Ask the Darndest Things-Gamer Edition

Written by Ryan Johnson (RyanDJ) Monday, 30 July 2012 20:48

Mario Questions You know those questions kids are supposed to ask, just because they are kids? "Why is the sky blue?" "Where do babies come from?" The wonderful generic questions that are simple in our minds, yet very difficult to explain to someone so young, or at least with such a short attention span? In this lighthearted episode of Evolution of a Gamer, I'm going to give you the game-related questions that come spouting out of my child while playing some of the modern iterations of Mario, as well as the musings I have had in trying to answer them. Some of them are silly, some make us sit back and think about why we actually do what we do in gaming, and others just flat out make no sense. So click in, and be entertained. Maybe you can help me figure out better answers.

Dad, why do the turtles dance?

In the original Mario games, the turtles were less detailed, but far more menacing. By Super Mario World, they had gotten up on two feet and had a herp-derp grin on their faces. These days, the enemies flat-out dance with the music, and look as if they are more than pleased to be out there awaiting their inevitable doom by Mario's boot. (except for the Goomba. He always looks ticked.) Since when has such an army of minions been so pleased to know that they will simply try to impede the enemy for about ten seconds that they take the time to groove along to music that, if this were a real place, wouldn't even be there? Which leads to...

Dad, why does Bowser kidnap the Princess?

Okay, the first time, I'm sure he had a hairbrained scheme plotted for the kidnapping of Princess Toadstool/Peach. But realistically: there never seems to be any more royal family. Peach's idea of ruling is to make cakes for Mario. The Toads bow at her feet and "la la la" around during peace time, so what is it you say you do here, Peach? What is your greatest diplomatic feat? So far, short of one time where Bowser mixed it up and kidnapped Mario, you've merely awaited Mario's return to save your hide. Your strongest powers were shown in a game that was basically Mario's dream sequence. So, in a time of peace, you bake, and in a time of war, you sit. Yeah, there's those morbid stories of how the Koopa Kids came to be, but I don't believe that's even physically possible. Let alone, you wouldn't name all of your children after rock stars. And Bowser? I genuinely wonder what his goal is. What power does he hold that when he has the Princess, suddenly the world is full of evil minions willing to boogie right off of a cliff, yet the moment the Princess is unlocked from her fortress prison, suddenly the realm is at peace, and all the mysterious invisible citizens are able to return to their normal lives? Bowser seems to hold more political power than you, and Mario seems to be more adept at ruling. At least he makes the conscious decision to go kick the enemy's butt! And continuing with the whole issue of wondering why this is a problem given that nobody seems to care when the issues are resolved....

Dad, why can't Mario go left?

This one arose when my son tried Super Mario Brothers 1. In the original game, there was a screen lock. You went right, and left was GONE. For me, it was common sense: Mario was on a desparate mission to rescue the ruler of a land from an evil sorcerer dragon. Why the heck WOULDN'T he keep moving forward? Later Mario games slowly let you go backward within the level, which made sense: go back for a power up you saved for later. But now, here we are in New Super Mario Bros. Wii: there's an instant return to any level you want. If I were Mario, and I found a warp zone to World 7 in World 2, you'd best believe I'd be rushing up there to save the Princess! Yet, here we are with a magic menu. Pause, swap levels, continue. The bosses even recognize the pointlessness of this, the airship only flies away if you advance on the furthest level you are on. But strangely, they'll show back up to get trounced again in the realm you've already cleared if you go back to a previous dungeon. They're all smiling, too... All of this dancing and smiling makes me wonder if Bowser is able to hire any serious underlings at all. No wonder he keeps losing. But he brings it on himself...

Dad, why doesn't Bowser lock his castle?

There goes Mario, up to the gates of Bowser's Castle. Hit the enter button, just like any other level, and walk right in the open door. Is Bowser's A/C off? Is he trying to get a breeze? I wondered back in the day why he didn't put just one less platform over a pit of boiling lava, or keep the magical axe that makes the bridge he stands on fall somewhere far, FAR AWAY FROM THE BRIDGE. It's like he wants to lose. His idea of protecting his castle? Build another mildly-fortified castle or seven in the hopes that Mario will go there first, and give up out of fustration. Of course, if he wanted to win, he would equip his minions differently, and the next question would never happen...

Dad, why are the turtles throwing socks at me?